Tuesday, December 18, 2007
On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me.....
I first heard this performed by an Irish comic a few years back, hope it gives you a little chuckle.
The twelve days of Christmas
Day 1
Thank you so much for the present. A partridge in a pear tree, how imaginative you are, it really is just what I wanted. I shall think of you every time I look at it.
Day 2
Another present! A pair of turtle doves, they're absolutely lovely. And now of course I've got two partridges and two pear trees, so they can have a tree each to sit in. How very thoughtful of you.
Day 3
Well, what a surprise, more presents. I've always wanted to keep hens, and to get French ones, well what can I say. Thank you darling, I shall let them run free in the garden, they'll keep all the other birds company. I should say though that, what with the four turtle doves and the three partridges, I've got about as many birds as I can look after. But they're still lovely presents and I'm very grateful to you.
Day 4
More birds! I thought I made it clear yesterday, I'm getting a bit short on space. I mean, I'm ever so grateful and I love the calling birds, but I now have half a dozen French hens, eight turtle doves and four partridges all living in a small suburban garden and it's getting a bit crowded. So thank you darling, but no more birds please.
Day 5
It was such a pleasant surprise when the postman handed me a small parcel this morning, not just one gold ring but five! They must have cost you a fortune. But while I was trying them on, the postman came back and dumped another ten birds and a tree outside the house. Honestly, you can't imagine what it's like - there are now thirty birds in the garden, the neighbours are starting to complain about the noise and quite frankly it's beginning to smell a bit too. So I'd be very grateful if you could stop this now, that's really all the birds I can take. Stick to jewellery in future.
Day 6
Maybe you didn't understand me before, so I'll make myself perfectly clear. If I wanted to run a bird sanctuary I'd have opened one myself. It's bad enough with all the other birds flapping around and making noise day and night, now I've got six pregnant geese to contend with. If this is your idea of a joke I can assure you it's not funny. PLEASE STOP SENDING ME BIRDS! Thanks for the rings though.
Day 7
Look Buster, when I say no more birds I mean no more birds. I thought I'd made it perfectly clear to you, but what do you do? Bloody swans now, and seven of them. I've got to dig a pond now so they've got somewhere to swim. Do you realise how many birds I own now? Sixty bloody nine! If you ever want me to talk to you again, you'd better think again about sending me birds.
Day 8
Are you mad? When have I ever said I needed a team of milkmaids about the place? Where am I going to put them all? And of course they've all brought their cows with them, so bang goes my back garden. What were you thinking of? And another twenty three birds, like I need more. I'm beginning to wonder if you ought to go and see someone about this. At this rate I ought to have a sizeable dairy industry going before long. I think you'd better stop with the presents now, it's gone far enough.
Day 9
Ok, ok, a joke's a joke but this has to stop. Like things weren't already bad enough around here, I've now got a squad of drummers wandering around drumming, they're scaring the birds (115 at the last count) and the neighbours are beginning to sell up. If this goes on much longer I'm going to need another house just to put all these people up. I want you to stop sending me things and get yourself round here so you can start getting rid of some of them.
Day 10
Look you bastard, what did I ever do to you? This place was like a madhouse before but I've now got ten sodding pipers hanging about, keeping everyone awake. You can't move for cows, there's birdshit everywhere, you can't hear yourself think and I've got more milk than I know what to do with. This is all your fault and if you don't do something about it right now there's going to be hell to pay.
Day 11
Dear God, what are you on? Two weeks ago this was a nice quiet neighbourhood, now thanks to you I've got 32 cows, 161 birds and with the arrival of the ladies dancing there are 90 people sharing my house with me. Not to mention 35 rings and enough pear trees to plant a small forest. I used to think you were quite a nice bloke, but it's become obvious that you're seriously disturbed. Where on earth did you get the idea that this was normal behaviour? If I ever see or hear from you again I'll probably kill you. You have twenty four hours to remove this lot or suffer the consequences.
Day 12
Dear Sir
On behalf of my client, I hereby request that you take steps to remove all the personnel and livestock which you have caused to be delivered to the home of my client. An injunction has been taken out preventing you from sending any further items to that address and demanding that you desist from harassing my client in any way. You will also be aware that there is a large quantity of farmyard manure and dairy products which it is also your responsibility to remove. My client retains the right to keep and sell the items of jewellery as compensation for damage caused and for the trauma suffered as a consequence of your actions. You may also be receiving a claim for damages from the local postman for back injuries sustained as a result of your thoughtless transmission of inappropriate goods through the postal system. Please send all further correspondence to the above address.
The twelve days of Christmas
Day 1
Thank you so much for the present. A partridge in a pear tree, how imaginative you are, it really is just what I wanted. I shall think of you every time I look at it.
Day 2
Another present! A pair of turtle doves, they're absolutely lovely. And now of course I've got two partridges and two pear trees, so they can have a tree each to sit in. How very thoughtful of you.
Day 3
Well, what a surprise, more presents. I've always wanted to keep hens, and to get French ones, well what can I say. Thank you darling, I shall let them run free in the garden, they'll keep all the other birds company. I should say though that, what with the four turtle doves and the three partridges, I've got about as many birds as I can look after. But they're still lovely presents and I'm very grateful to you.
Day 4
More birds! I thought I made it clear yesterday, I'm getting a bit short on space. I mean, I'm ever so grateful and I love the calling birds, but I now have half a dozen French hens, eight turtle doves and four partridges all living in a small suburban garden and it's getting a bit crowded. So thank you darling, but no more birds please.
Day 5
It was such a pleasant surprise when the postman handed me a small parcel this morning, not just one gold ring but five! They must have cost you a fortune. But while I was trying them on, the postman came back and dumped another ten birds and a tree outside the house. Honestly, you can't imagine what it's like - there are now thirty birds in the garden, the neighbours are starting to complain about the noise and quite frankly it's beginning to smell a bit too. So I'd be very grateful if you could stop this now, that's really all the birds I can take. Stick to jewellery in future.
Day 6
Maybe you didn't understand me before, so I'll make myself perfectly clear. If I wanted to run a bird sanctuary I'd have opened one myself. It's bad enough with all the other birds flapping around and making noise day and night, now I've got six pregnant geese to contend with. If this is your idea of a joke I can assure you it's not funny. PLEASE STOP SENDING ME BIRDS! Thanks for the rings though.
Day 7
Look Buster, when I say no more birds I mean no more birds. I thought I'd made it perfectly clear to you, but what do you do? Bloody swans now, and seven of them. I've got to dig a pond now so they've got somewhere to swim. Do you realise how many birds I own now? Sixty bloody nine! If you ever want me to talk to you again, you'd better think again about sending me birds.
Day 8
Are you mad? When have I ever said I needed a team of milkmaids about the place? Where am I going to put them all? And of course they've all brought their cows with them, so bang goes my back garden. What were you thinking of? And another twenty three birds, like I need more. I'm beginning to wonder if you ought to go and see someone about this. At this rate I ought to have a sizeable dairy industry going before long. I think you'd better stop with the presents now, it's gone far enough.
Day 9
Ok, ok, a joke's a joke but this has to stop. Like things weren't already bad enough around here, I've now got a squad of drummers wandering around drumming, they're scaring the birds (115 at the last count) and the neighbours are beginning to sell up. If this goes on much longer I'm going to need another house just to put all these people up. I want you to stop sending me things and get yourself round here so you can start getting rid of some of them.
Day 10
Look you bastard, what did I ever do to you? This place was like a madhouse before but I've now got ten sodding pipers hanging about, keeping everyone awake. You can't move for cows, there's birdshit everywhere, you can't hear yourself think and I've got more milk than I know what to do with. This is all your fault and if you don't do something about it right now there's going to be hell to pay.
Day 11
Dear God, what are you on? Two weeks ago this was a nice quiet neighbourhood, now thanks to you I've got 32 cows, 161 birds and with the arrival of the ladies dancing there are 90 people sharing my house with me. Not to mention 35 rings and enough pear trees to plant a small forest. I used to think you were quite a nice bloke, but it's become obvious that you're seriously disturbed. Where on earth did you get the idea that this was normal behaviour? If I ever see or hear from you again I'll probably kill you. You have twenty four hours to remove this lot or suffer the consequences.
Day 12
Dear Sir
On behalf of my client, I hereby request that you take steps to remove all the personnel and livestock which you have caused to be delivered to the home of my client. An injunction has been taken out preventing you from sending any further items to that address and demanding that you desist from harassing my client in any way. You will also be aware that there is a large quantity of farmyard manure and dairy products which it is also your responsibility to remove. My client retains the right to keep and sell the items of jewellery as compensation for damage caused and for the trauma suffered as a consequence of your actions. You may also be receiving a claim for damages from the local postman for back injuries sustained as a result of your thoughtless transmission of inappropriate goods through the postal system. Please send all further correspondence to the above address.
# posted by Woggzeh @ 4:45 pm 
