Thursday, December 20, 2007
You scumbag, you maggot, You cheap lousy faggot, Happy christmas your arse, I pray God it's our last.
Well Merry Christmas one and all, here is your card, click it!
I have now finished work and am not back until next year, horrah!
I've got Sciatica in my lower back which is giving me a bit of grief but I'll battle on.
Well it's time for the Woggzeh 2007 Christmas awards, they are like any award ceremony except you don't win anything and you don't have a say, although I can make up a phone line for you to phone and waste your money as that has been a big issue this year.
so without further ado, lets roll out the red carpet and get on with 'stuff I've liked this year and decided to have an awards show just to fill out my blog'.
Best Independent Blog 2007
For me it has to be Arrow Towers Which is loving updated by Jof when he is bothered, it is a shame he doesn't do it weekly but then that would become a chore and not have the fun of his general attitude to his blog, a particularly good update was his "day in the life" update which is set on Tuesday October the 30th, a good idea and I really enjoyed it, I prefer visual stuff to reading.
Apologies to Lee and Bullough, your blogs are still good and I would be lost without them, you two are fair runners up.
Best Blog of the year 2007
I hae to award this to Charlie Brookers 'Comment is Free' it is a very cynical look at stuff through the eyes of a man who appears to hate everything. I suggest you give it a read, it's updated every Monday and it's a joy to read, close second or me is Charlie Brookers Screenburn, which is his reviews on tv programmes it's like the newspaper version of his tv show Screenwipe.
I realise that is two blog awards and I gave Charlie Brooker the best blog of the year because he gets paid for doing it therefore, I couldn't enter it into the independent blog of the year catagory.
Pornstar of the year 2007
I'm giving this to Eva Angelina, She is great and wins the award because I discovered her before she had a boob job and fucked up her lovely breasts, still, I'm sure I'll be keeping an eye on her career in the future.
Best television Comedy programme of the year 2007
I'd like to give this award to Not Going Out because it has been consistently funny for two series now and I can't wait for the third series to start.
Best Television Drama of the year 2007
Got to go to Spooks, this series has been brilliant with plenty of fantastic twists and turns to keep everyone guessing annoyingly it has ended on a cliffhanger where everyone thinks that Adam has killed the girl (but I know that she has only fainted), hurry up 2008 and get back on our screens.
Best Hide and Seek player of the year 2007
I'm not going for the obvious joke......
Best television quiz show of the year 2007
Not really a surprise winner this year as I always rave about it, it's QI with Stephen Fry and Alan Davis as the regulars every week, it's cracking and deservers this award very much.
Well I'm bored of doing the awards now, so we shall take a break from all that rubbish as I have to go out now, I hope you noticed that all the links are clickable.
Merry Christmas again, take care, see you soon.
Woggzeh
I have now finished work and am not back until next year, horrah!
I've got Sciatica in my lower back which is giving me a bit of grief but I'll battle on.
Well it's time for the Woggzeh 2007 Christmas awards, they are like any award ceremony except you don't win anything and you don't have a say, although I can make up a phone line for you to phone and waste your money as that has been a big issue this year.
so without further ado, lets roll out the red carpet and get on with 'stuff I've liked this year and decided to have an awards show just to fill out my blog'.
Best Independent Blog 2007
For me it has to be Arrow Towers Which is loving updated by Jof when he is bothered, it is a shame he doesn't do it weekly but then that would become a chore and not have the fun of his general attitude to his blog, a particularly good update was his "day in the life" update which is set on Tuesday October the 30th, a good idea and I really enjoyed it, I prefer visual stuff to reading.
Apologies to Lee and Bullough, your blogs are still good and I would be lost without them, you two are fair runners up.
Best Blog of the year 2007
I hae to award this to Charlie Brookers 'Comment is Free' it is a very cynical look at stuff through the eyes of a man who appears to hate everything. I suggest you give it a read, it's updated every Monday and it's a joy to read, close second or me is Charlie Brookers Screenburn, which is his reviews on tv programmes it's like the newspaper version of his tv show Screenwipe.
I realise that is two blog awards and I gave Charlie Brooker the best blog of the year because he gets paid for doing it therefore, I couldn't enter it into the independent blog of the year catagory.
Pornstar of the year 2007
I'm giving this to Eva Angelina, She is great and wins the award because I discovered her before she had a boob job and fucked up her lovely breasts, still, I'm sure I'll be keeping an eye on her career in the future.
Best television Comedy programme of the year 2007
I'd like to give this award to Not Going Out because it has been consistently funny for two series now and I can't wait for the third series to start.
Best Television Drama of the year 2007
Got to go to Spooks, this series has been brilliant with plenty of fantastic twists and turns to keep everyone guessing annoyingly it has ended on a cliffhanger where everyone thinks that Adam has killed the girl (but I know that she has only fainted), hurry up 2008 and get back on our screens.
Best Hide and Seek player of the year 2007
I'm not going for the obvious joke......
Best television quiz show of the year 2007
Not really a surprise winner this year as I always rave about it, it's QI with Stephen Fry and Alan Davis as the regulars every week, it's cracking and deservers this award very much.
Well I'm bored of doing the awards now, so we shall take a break from all that rubbish as I have to go out now, I hope you noticed that all the links are clickable.
Merry Christmas again, take care, see you soon.
Woggzeh
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me.....
I first heard this performed by an Irish comic a few years back, hope it gives you a little chuckle.
The twelve days of Christmas
Day 1
Thank you so much for the present. A partridge in a pear tree, how imaginative you are, it really is just what I wanted. I shall think of you every time I look at it.
Day 2
Another present! A pair of turtle doves, they're absolutely lovely. And now of course I've got two partridges and two pear trees, so they can have a tree each to sit in. How very thoughtful of you.
Day 3
Well, what a surprise, more presents. I've always wanted to keep hens, and to get French ones, well what can I say. Thank you darling, I shall let them run free in the garden, they'll keep all the other birds company. I should say though that, what with the four turtle doves and the three partridges, I've got about as many birds as I can look after. But they're still lovely presents and I'm very grateful to you.
Day 4
More birds! I thought I made it clear yesterday, I'm getting a bit short on space. I mean, I'm ever so grateful and I love the calling birds, but I now have half a dozen French hens, eight turtle doves and four partridges all living in a small suburban garden and it's getting a bit crowded. So thank you darling, but no more birds please.
Day 5
It was such a pleasant surprise when the postman handed me a small parcel this morning, not just one gold ring but five! They must have cost you a fortune. But while I was trying them on, the postman came back and dumped another ten birds and a tree outside the house. Honestly, you can't imagine what it's like - there are now thirty birds in the garden, the neighbours are starting to complain about the noise and quite frankly it's beginning to smell a bit too. So I'd be very grateful if you could stop this now, that's really all the birds I can take. Stick to jewellery in future.
Day 6
Maybe you didn't understand me before, so I'll make myself perfectly clear. If I wanted to run a bird sanctuary I'd have opened one myself. It's bad enough with all the other birds flapping around and making noise day and night, now I've got six pregnant geese to contend with. If this is your idea of a joke I can assure you it's not funny. PLEASE STOP SENDING ME BIRDS! Thanks for the rings though.
Day 7
Look Buster, when I say no more birds I mean no more birds. I thought I'd made it perfectly clear to you, but what do you do? Bloody swans now, and seven of them. I've got to dig a pond now so they've got somewhere to swim. Do you realise how many birds I own now? Sixty bloody nine! If you ever want me to talk to you again, you'd better think again about sending me birds.
Day 8
Are you mad? When have I ever said I needed a team of milkmaids about the place? Where am I going to put them all? And of course they've all brought their cows with them, so bang goes my back garden. What were you thinking of? And another twenty three birds, like I need more. I'm beginning to wonder if you ought to go and see someone about this. At this rate I ought to have a sizeable dairy industry going before long. I think you'd better stop with the presents now, it's gone far enough.
Day 9
Ok, ok, a joke's a joke but this has to stop. Like things weren't already bad enough around here, I've now got a squad of drummers wandering around drumming, they're scaring the birds (115 at the last count) and the neighbours are beginning to sell up. If this goes on much longer I'm going to need another house just to put all these people up. I want you to stop sending me things and get yourself round here so you can start getting rid of some of them.
Day 10
Look you bastard, what did I ever do to you? This place was like a madhouse before but I've now got ten sodding pipers hanging about, keeping everyone awake. You can't move for cows, there's birdshit everywhere, you can't hear yourself think and I've got more milk than I know what to do with. This is all your fault and if you don't do something about it right now there's going to be hell to pay.
Day 11
Dear God, what are you on? Two weeks ago this was a nice quiet neighbourhood, now thanks to you I've got 32 cows, 161 birds and with the arrival of the ladies dancing there are 90 people sharing my house with me. Not to mention 35 rings and enough pear trees to plant a small forest. I used to think you were quite a nice bloke, but it's become obvious that you're seriously disturbed. Where on earth did you get the idea that this was normal behaviour? If I ever see or hear from you again I'll probably kill you. You have twenty four hours to remove this lot or suffer the consequences.
Day 12
Dear Sir
On behalf of my client, I hereby request that you take steps to remove all the personnel and livestock which you have caused to be delivered to the home of my client. An injunction has been taken out preventing you from sending any further items to that address and demanding that you desist from harassing my client in any way. You will also be aware that there is a large quantity of farmyard manure and dairy products which it is also your responsibility to remove. My client retains the right to keep and sell the items of jewellery as compensation for damage caused and for the trauma suffered as a consequence of your actions. You may also be receiving a claim for damages from the local postman for back injuries sustained as a result of your thoughtless transmission of inappropriate goods through the postal system. Please send all further correspondence to the above address.
The twelve days of Christmas
Day 1
Thank you so much for the present. A partridge in a pear tree, how imaginative you are, it really is just what I wanted. I shall think of you every time I look at it.
Day 2
Another present! A pair of turtle doves, they're absolutely lovely. And now of course I've got two partridges and two pear trees, so they can have a tree each to sit in. How very thoughtful of you.
Day 3
Well, what a surprise, more presents. I've always wanted to keep hens, and to get French ones, well what can I say. Thank you darling, I shall let them run free in the garden, they'll keep all the other birds company. I should say though that, what with the four turtle doves and the three partridges, I've got about as many birds as I can look after. But they're still lovely presents and I'm very grateful to you.
Day 4
More birds! I thought I made it clear yesterday, I'm getting a bit short on space. I mean, I'm ever so grateful and I love the calling birds, but I now have half a dozen French hens, eight turtle doves and four partridges all living in a small suburban garden and it's getting a bit crowded. So thank you darling, but no more birds please.
Day 5
It was such a pleasant surprise when the postman handed me a small parcel this morning, not just one gold ring but five! They must have cost you a fortune. But while I was trying them on, the postman came back and dumped another ten birds and a tree outside the house. Honestly, you can't imagine what it's like - there are now thirty birds in the garden, the neighbours are starting to complain about the noise and quite frankly it's beginning to smell a bit too. So I'd be very grateful if you could stop this now, that's really all the birds I can take. Stick to jewellery in future.
Day 6
Maybe you didn't understand me before, so I'll make myself perfectly clear. If I wanted to run a bird sanctuary I'd have opened one myself. It's bad enough with all the other birds flapping around and making noise day and night, now I've got six pregnant geese to contend with. If this is your idea of a joke I can assure you it's not funny. PLEASE STOP SENDING ME BIRDS! Thanks for the rings though.
Day 7
Look Buster, when I say no more birds I mean no more birds. I thought I'd made it perfectly clear to you, but what do you do? Bloody swans now, and seven of them. I've got to dig a pond now so they've got somewhere to swim. Do you realise how many birds I own now? Sixty bloody nine! If you ever want me to talk to you again, you'd better think again about sending me birds.
Day 8
Are you mad? When have I ever said I needed a team of milkmaids about the place? Where am I going to put them all? And of course they've all brought their cows with them, so bang goes my back garden. What were you thinking of? And another twenty three birds, like I need more. I'm beginning to wonder if you ought to go and see someone about this. At this rate I ought to have a sizeable dairy industry going before long. I think you'd better stop with the presents now, it's gone far enough.
Day 9
Ok, ok, a joke's a joke but this has to stop. Like things weren't already bad enough around here, I've now got a squad of drummers wandering around drumming, they're scaring the birds (115 at the last count) and the neighbours are beginning to sell up. If this goes on much longer I'm going to need another house just to put all these people up. I want you to stop sending me things and get yourself round here so you can start getting rid of some of them.
Day 10
Look you bastard, what did I ever do to you? This place was like a madhouse before but I've now got ten sodding pipers hanging about, keeping everyone awake. You can't move for cows, there's birdshit everywhere, you can't hear yourself think and I've got more milk than I know what to do with. This is all your fault and if you don't do something about it right now there's going to be hell to pay.
Day 11
Dear God, what are you on? Two weeks ago this was a nice quiet neighbourhood, now thanks to you I've got 32 cows, 161 birds and with the arrival of the ladies dancing there are 90 people sharing my house with me. Not to mention 35 rings and enough pear trees to plant a small forest. I used to think you were quite a nice bloke, but it's become obvious that you're seriously disturbed. Where on earth did you get the idea that this was normal behaviour? If I ever see or hear from you again I'll probably kill you. You have twenty four hours to remove this lot or suffer the consequences.
Day 12
Dear Sir
On behalf of my client, I hereby request that you take steps to remove all the personnel and livestock which you have caused to be delivered to the home of my client. An injunction has been taken out preventing you from sending any further items to that address and demanding that you desist from harassing my client in any way. You will also be aware that there is a large quantity of farmyard manure and dairy products which it is also your responsibility to remove. My client retains the right to keep and sell the items of jewellery as compensation for damage caused and for the trauma suffered as a consequence of your actions. You may also be receiving a claim for damages from the local postman for back injuries sustained as a result of your thoughtless transmission of inappropriate goods through the postal system. Please send all further correspondence to the above address.
Monday, December 10, 2007
It's that time, Christmas time is here, Everybody knows there's not a better time of year, Hear that sleigh, Santa's on his way..
..Hip Hip hooray for Christmas Vacation. (best Christmas film ever, National Lampoons Christmas Vacation)
now then people, been really shitty weather hasn't it!, I walked home last night and I was absolutely drenched, I was like a drowned rat, my beard was piss wet through too, I'm getting sick of my beard now but I can't be arsed to shave it off, I keep swallowing bits of hair, I swear to you I had a furball the other day.
Jeremy Clarkson, much that I love the guy, he is a funny bloke and I would definitely have him in my top five celebrities I would invite to my dinner table, but there is something about the man that makes me want to punch him in the gob, I'd punch him, then I'd be so apologetic, I'd look pathetic but I'd feel a little bit better inside for doing it, it's strange, does anybody else feel like that about anyone?
Poor old Ricky Hatton, lost his boxing match, he put on a good show but he walked onto too many of Mayweather's jabs and eventually something had to give, unfortunately it was Hatton's head and he hit the deck in the tenth round, still, Well done Ricky on coming third in the sports personality of the year award, I'm glad that cheating drug infested piece of shit cheater, yes the fucking DRUGS CHEAT, that goes by the name of Catherine Kajagoogoo (or something) didn't win fuck all, I think it's a disgrace that she should be allowed to represent Great Britain at all in any sports, I could go into a massive rant now but itr would end up as " racist slur" so I wont bother.
Having a bit of a shit time of things at the moment, but I needn't bore you lot with the details.
Well I didn't have much to say but I decided to blog anyway, I do have a message for Brian Barwick of the F.A, "Hands off Martin O'Neill you fat cunt, you had your chance 18 months ago"
take care people, I will update before Christmas never you fear.
Woggzeh
now then people, been really shitty weather hasn't it!, I walked home last night and I was absolutely drenched, I was like a drowned rat, my beard was piss wet through too, I'm getting sick of my beard now but I can't be arsed to shave it off, I keep swallowing bits of hair, I swear to you I had a furball the other day.
Jeremy Clarkson, much that I love the guy, he is a funny bloke and I would definitely have him in my top five celebrities I would invite to my dinner table, but there is something about the man that makes me want to punch him in the gob, I'd punch him, then I'd be so apologetic, I'd look pathetic but I'd feel a little bit better inside for doing it, it's strange, does anybody else feel like that about anyone?
Poor old Ricky Hatton, lost his boxing match, he put on a good show but he walked onto too many of Mayweather's jabs and eventually something had to give, unfortunately it was Hatton's head and he hit the deck in the tenth round, still, Well done Ricky on coming third in the sports personality of the year award, I'm glad that cheating drug infested piece of shit cheater, yes the fucking DRUGS CHEAT, that goes by the name of Catherine Kajagoogoo (or something) didn't win fuck all, I think it's a disgrace that she should be allowed to represent Great Britain at all in any sports, I could go into a massive rant now but itr would end up as " racist slur" so I wont bother.
Having a bit of a shit time of things at the moment, but I needn't bore you lot with the details.
Well I didn't have much to say but I decided to blog anyway, I do have a message for Brian Barwick of the F.A, "Hands off Martin O'Neill you fat cunt, you had your chance 18 months ago"
take care people, I will update before Christmas never you fear.
Woggzeh
Friday, December 07, 2007
I was on the high wire looking down, for my safety net, When I swear I saw you with that clown, how can I forget?
Now then,
well I don't know why i'm treating you to this update, bored I guess, just made a casserole and wanged it in the oven, should be good.
I think I've broken my finger, well, not broken it but hurt it a little, don't quite know how, but it hurts.
So how are you all? I see Pieman is still leaving the message about his memory loss in the comment box, quite funny really.
I'm sure I had something quite good to tell you but typically it's slipped my mind.
Has anyone ever done that thing where you start humming or whistling or singing a bit of song and you can't, for the life of you, work out what the song is, even though you know that you've heard it somewhere and it's a fucking amazing song, so you commit it to memory and attempt to work it out later but then completely forget the tune and can't get it back? well I reckon that sometimes that amazing song, is actually the 'yesterday' complex, (Macca woke up one night and hummed the song 'yesterday' and wrote it down convinced that it had already been written) yeah, so, erm, I've got no founding of my thoughts I just thought I'd share it with you and I kind of like the idea that Jof might have never of thought of that before and is now trying to recall all those songs that he has forgotten just in case there is a little gem in there and prove my theory right.
Christmas is just around the corner now, I hope everyone is ready, I'm still pissed off with Play.com, I ordered some dvds (posted on the 20th November) and they still haven't arrived and I have to wait until the 11the December before I can report them missing to Play, which sucks, as I've paid for the fucking things so I want them here, this is the biggest flaw of internet shopping, you don't get this shit when you use the cash for items/instant transaction policy that has existed for thousands of years!
I'll post before Christmas I think, I'll try and get a nice little Christmas card for you, and how about a Christmas quiz? I'll set some questions for you to answer, would you like that?
I bet nobody knows the song that today's title is lifted from without using Google.
ah well, I think that'll do for now, if I need to say owt else then I'll msn you.
Woggzeh
well I don't know why i'm treating you to this update, bored I guess, just made a casserole and wanged it in the oven, should be good.
I think I've broken my finger, well, not broken it but hurt it a little, don't quite know how, but it hurts.
So how are you all? I see Pieman is still leaving the message about his memory loss in the comment box, quite funny really.
I'm sure I had something quite good to tell you but typically it's slipped my mind.
Has anyone ever done that thing where you start humming or whistling or singing a bit of song and you can't, for the life of you, work out what the song is, even though you know that you've heard it somewhere and it's a fucking amazing song, so you commit it to memory and attempt to work it out later but then completely forget the tune and can't get it back? well I reckon that sometimes that amazing song, is actually the 'yesterday' complex, (Macca woke up one night and hummed the song 'yesterday' and wrote it down convinced that it had already been written) yeah, so, erm, I've got no founding of my thoughts I just thought I'd share it with you and I kind of like the idea that Jof might have never of thought of that before and is now trying to recall all those songs that he has forgotten just in case there is a little gem in there and prove my theory right.
Christmas is just around the corner now, I hope everyone is ready, I'm still pissed off with Play.com, I ordered some dvds (posted on the 20th November) and they still haven't arrived and I have to wait until the 11the December before I can report them missing to Play, which sucks, as I've paid for the fucking things so I want them here, this is the biggest flaw of internet shopping, you don't get this shit when you use the cash for items/instant transaction policy that has existed for thousands of years!
I'll post before Christmas I think, I'll try and get a nice little Christmas card for you, and how about a Christmas quiz? I'll set some questions for you to answer, would you like that?
I bet nobody knows the song that today's title is lifted from without using Google.
ah well, I think that'll do for now, if I need to say owt else then I'll msn you.
Woggzeh
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
I spy in the night sky don't I, phoebe io e lara leda callisto sinope janus dione portia so many moons.
So I'm fucked.
not in that way but in THAT way, just fucked off with everything at the moment, fucked off with this blog and I'm thinking this could be the last ever post, time to kill off Woggzeh's World, I'm just fucked off, and yesterday I was sent the Tim Tang Test by Kristy Drummond (no longer a friend) and it's done me fucking nut! I'm stuck on level 21 and I've managed to pull myself away, back into the real world and I'm giving up, I say it here and now, I'M FUCKING QUITTING THAT PIECE OF SHIT! there are over 200 levels and I'm less that 10 % through it, and that's not including level25.1 then 25.2 or something shite like that, so fuck it. it's over, if anyone wants the answers to the first 20 levels then I'll let you have them, seriously fucking have them, I'm going to wait untill a booklet is produced with all the answers in it and then cheat my way to the end, I won't feel guilty because I hate it that much, I'll feel a sense of pride for finishing it.
Don't bother saying, 'but it's a bit of fun, you're only cheating yourself' because I don't care what you think, so keep your fucking pie hole shut, end of the matter, END!
Moff to cry
Woggzeh
not in that way but in THAT way, just fucked off with everything at the moment, fucked off with this blog and I'm thinking this could be the last ever post, time to kill off Woggzeh's World, I'm just fucked off, and yesterday I was sent the Tim Tang Test by Kristy Drummond (no longer a friend) and it's done me fucking nut! I'm stuck on level 21 and I've managed to pull myself away, back into the real world and I'm giving up, I say it here and now, I'M FUCKING QUITTING THAT PIECE OF SHIT! there are over 200 levels and I'm less that 10 % through it, and that's not including level25.1 then 25.2 or something shite like that, so fuck it. it's over, if anyone wants the answers to the first 20 levels then I'll let you have them, seriously fucking have them, I'm going to wait untill a booklet is produced with all the answers in it and then cheat my way to the end, I won't feel guilty because I hate it that much, I'll feel a sense of pride for finishing it.
Don't bother saying, 'but it's a bit of fun, you're only cheating yourself' because I don't care what you think, so keep your fucking pie hole shut, end of the matter, END!
Moff to cry
Woggzeh
