Woggzeh's World

Friday:

I was never under any illusions that Paul's car was great and when he turned up at my house at a few minutes past nine, my heart sunk a little, it didn't matter how far it sunk in fairness, it would never sink as low as the cars suspension.
We managed to squeeze my stuff and myself into the car and somehow managed to get the car moving, slowly and surly we made it to the petrol station, where I picked up a newspaper. We set off in high spirits which were soon quashed when we got to the travellers rest and saw signs informing us that blubberhouses was closed and we would have to follow the diversions via Ilkley and Otley, which was pretty hairy as the roads are uphill and downhill and wind around blind corners, I was genuinely worried for the car, especially when it made a strange scraping noise whenever we went over a bump, we had to lean forwards going up the hills and pray the brakes still worked (which had begun to emit a bad smell) going down the hills.
The diversion added an hour to our journey and we arrived at Coniston around midday, we paid for our camping (£6 each a night) and set off to find Robin who had arrived about 20 minutes earlier, we couldn't find them so we decided, in all our wisdom, that we must have got there first so we looked for, and found, a great spot, but as I got out of the car I looked up and saw in the distance the unmistakeable looming figure that is Bradbury, he is 6 foot 12 and a half and it's difficult not to spot him, so we drove over to them said our hellos and set up camp, sadly this year, because they all had a head start on me, I wasn't first in getting my tent up, but I was quick and was soon sat in the baking hot sun with a beer.
After an hour or so, nature took it's course and I had to pop to the loo, which is quite a long way to walk, anyway, Trel and Paul decided to come too and the way the camp site is situated, the toilets are at the highest point and overlook the whole site, so when I got up there I look round and see Steve's car arrive, so I shout to him where we were pitched, (Steve! go left......no, your other left) us lot sorted ourselves out and returned to the others where Steve was pitching his pissy little tent(it's a single skin tent that cost him £5 from Tesco a couple of years ago) after about 30 seconds he was all ready and was sat having a beer and the general catching up talk that always goes on.
Beer was consumed and food was cooked and eaten, then Steve got his inflatable boats out of his car, we spent an hour pumping them both up with Bradders' squeaky foot pump (imagine the noise you'd get from an asthmatic hamster with a 40 a day smoking habit) then we all went down to the lake, I played on the rope swing till my knackers were hurting (45 seconds later) then watched and drank beer as Trel and Steve played in the boats and went to the buoy and back, Paul and Bradders went swimming, I had a paddle with Matt and Robin stayed on the beach, Matt decided to start a fire and having never been an arsonist as a child, fucked it up royally! he put green stuff on the pile and tried to light wet, fresh stuff, I had to help him out with some good advice and it started up but didn't last long as there wasn't much to burn, then Steve came to help and he is an expert at arson and got the thing rocking in seconds, after an hour or so down the beach we returned to our tents for more beer and food, I made beans and sausages and a pot noodle.
At about 7pm (after an hour of Robin whining that he wanted to go to the pub because Bradders had drunk all his beer) we set off to the Ship Inn, on the way, Robin informed us of a fact that if you pick a sheep up by it back legs and shake it about, it will die because it's innards aren't attached to anything (or something like that) naturally we all took the piss out of him for believing something that a five year old wouldn't even believe, he felt pretty stupid and spent the rest of the night googling it to find some proof over his statement (he didn't find anything, obviously) The Ship Inn charged us £3.00 for a Carling and £2.50 for an X.B (bitter) so I went on to the bitter, it's a nice pint until you get down to the final few mouthfuls and then it tastes like dishwater. We later set off into town, I needed a poo so I planned to stop at the public toilets next to the petrol station and drop the beast, but when I got in there, I went into the cubicle and looked down, there was this great big Henry the third (turd) staring right back at me, winking, I couldn't bring myself to bare my arse to this beast so I ran out (screaming) we went to the Crown and got a pint and went to their toilets for my first poo in Coniston (the bogs there are right nice) we all sat outside as it was a glorious evening and drained our pints before making a move to the Yewdale, we got our regular seat in the corner of the room and chatted and laughed, then on a table opposite me, this young lass and a load of old people sat down, they all had banjo cases and then, the little girl started playing hers, some George Formby tunes, we ignored her, then a few minutes later the whole fucking group started playing all their banjos and, I'll be fair, they were quite good and so we made the mistake of giving them a round of applause after their first song, which only seemed to encourage them, even Steve's relentless booing didn't deter them, the young girl (Francesca, a seven year old who had been on Britain's Got Talent) eventually played Duelling Banjos, and fuck me, she did a fantastic job of it, I had to clap at that effort, little shitbag!
Steve and Robin could take no more of the infernal noise that was being emitted from their table so we went to the Black Bull where I told my usual joke (black bull walks into a bar....) The beer was well expensive in here, Trelly paid £3.40 for a Carling and was so disgusted by the price he stole a jar of mustard to make up for it! We sat inside and Robin and Paul (clearly inebriated) decided to chat to each other which soon spiralled into a 'who can talk the loudest' competition, before there was a clear winner, me and Trelly went to sit outside, slightly embarrassed by the looks our group was getting because of the competition that was going on.
Eventually everyone else came outside and joined us, Matt started stroking a dog and it seemed to really enjoy whatever Matt was doing to it with his magic hands, then Matt stopped stroking it and it threw up, three times!
They called time and we mooched back towards the camp site, Trelly decided half way to go the short way over the fields, no one knew this way properly and it was dark and the grass was damp, but like true idiots, we all went that way, Steve decided he wanted to test Robins theory about killing a sheep and set off chasing them, quite why he ended up with his trousers around his ankles I don't know, and I would certainly hope he did it for comedy value only!
We got back and went down to the beach and found a group of dullards who were playing, 'I have never' we chatted to them for a bit, then Steve caught up with us, and within 30 seconds, he had taken his shirt off and convinced the group he had escaped from prison, the people were a bunch of teachers who were pretty boring so we buggered off and back to our tents and went to bed.

Saturday:

The pitter patter of rain woke me up, and I didn't want to get out of my bed, I had got a new camp bed for Christmas (£19.99 in the Argos catalogue) and it's the comfiest bed I've ever slept on, honestly it was!
I got up and stood in the rain before going back in my tent and reading my paper inside out three times, I shut my eyes for ten minutes, then me and Trelly went outside and found Steve in his car, his tent had flooded in the night and was useless, he had his heater on and was trying to dry his stuff, sitting in a tent on your own when it's raining isn't the best fun you can have, and everyone was bored so it was decided that we would drive into town and go to a cafe or pub, we went to Harry's cafe and had a cappuccino, after that we went to the Crown where I had my second poo of the camping weekend, we had a pint and were joined by Rob, Matt and Bradders, Rob and Matt ordered food and we had another pint, the rain subsided eventually and we went back to the camp site and sat outside drinking more beer, we all had some food and we just chilled for a few hours, Steve continued to dry his stuff out, I made the mistake of getting into his car at the time he had his wet socks draped over the heater vents, his car stank of wet socks, and I had to open the window, I nearly spewed.
Eventually Trelly and Paul joined us in the car and we drank beer and Steve rolled a funny cigarette that we all smoked, while Paul had the cigarette and had his arm out of the window a police car went by us, Paul panicked and gave the cigarette to Steve! (nice move), on the way back from it's journey round the site, the police car stopped right nest to us and a female officer got out to tell Steve off for having his engine running while consuming alcohol, she was taking deep nostrils full of air to see if she could smell anything illegal, but she couldn't smell anything, so she gave Steve a dressing down and went on her way, fair play, she could have nicked him, but let him off as he was polite and played it like you always should, (yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir).
We decided to go to the pub while it was still dry and we almost made it, we were about 200 metres from the Ship when the heavens opened, and rained so hard you couldn't see more than a few feet ahead of you, we got to the pub looking like drowned rats, luckily we found a table and sat down with our drinks and dried off, the rain stopped and so we risked our luck and went into town, Steve thought for some reason that we were going to the Yewdale so he went there and ordered a pint, we were all stood outside the Crown looking for him, so Trelly went and found him, he brought his pint with him and we all sat in the Crown all night, Robin put the jukebox on, but it was far too quiet to enjoy the music (not that I would have enjoyed his music choices anyway), It rained and lightened all the way back to the camp site, once again, Steve brought his pint with him, we got piss wet through and just had to accept it, we couldn't get any wetter, it was suggested that we should jump into the lake just to dry off a bit, but we didn't, we sat in Steve's car and drank more beer, eventually going to bed at about 1am, the rain and wind hammering against my tent, never mind, I had the worlds comfiest bed to protect me.

Sunday:

Got up at 9am (ish) and the rain and wind were being relentless, Matt ruined it by screaming to the Gods, "Is this all you've got?" clearly he upset the rain Gods and they made the weather worse, When Matt came around from his beating he put his tent away (we didn't beat him up, I just thought it sounded funnier that way), I struggled to put my tent away, it's a new tent and it's pretty big and the wind kept grabbing it, I broke down and launched into a torrent of swear words and abuse, it was ridiculous, eventually Paul gave me a hand and I got it packed up, (full of mud and rain) Paul and Trelly decided that they didn't want their tents any more and with the weather being so shit, they couldn't be bothered to take them down anyway, so they left them, as did Steve, who slept in his car last night.
We packed up Paul's car and it was lucky him and Trelly didn't have their tents as there was no space, it had fit perfectly on the way to Coniston, but now, as we rushed to pack up in the rain, it was even more full, anyway, we eventually got packed up and said our goodbyes to Steve (who sat in his car as we left for no reason at all, I bet you next year his tent looks suspiciously like Paul's old one).
We went to Ambleside and had breakfast at Daisy's I had the 8 item brekkers and it set me up for the day, then it was time for the return home, Paul's car did us proud and we made it home, I think we even got up to 45 MPH at one point, it's always a boring journey coming home, mainly because you are tired and just want to get back, into a nice hot bath and dry clothes which I did as soon as I got in, well, I had a a poo as soon as I got in and blocked the toilet! I didn't do one single poo on the camp site, I don't know why, I didn't plan it that way, it just happened.
Well, that's pretty much what happened this weekend, naturally I am sure I've missed loads of things, and that's what the comment box is for people, if you went with me and there's something you want logging, then don't say to me, "you should have wrote about this or that" write it yourself in the comment box.
I hope you've enjoyed the update, I'm actually glad there are no more trips planned now as these long blogs are becoming the bain of my life.
take care people

Woggzeh

P.S - Happy Birthday Kristy for Sunday.