Woggzeh's World

With the very real threat of some fool suggesting that everyone should go walking up the Old Man of Coniston, I swung into action very early and on January 4th 2009 part one of my plan was put into action, three weeks later I was released from hospital to execute part two, which was to be able to hide behind a doctors note for long enough, claiming I'm too poorly to do such a trek, that the fell walking event had either passed or been abandoned.
Alas, Yesterday, Dave [Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Titch], Rob, Matt, Paul, Mike and Bradders did their walk up the Old Man and I managed to not do it. Instead I managed to wangle a bloody good day out walking around Coniston, on flat lands (well, it got a bit steep in one place), with the sun in my face (burning my fat, bald, head), I can't really tell you much about the day that the lads had, but it would go something like this: went upwards > summited > went downwards. And until one of them writes their own blog that's the way it'll stay, so here is how my day went.
I waved the lads off at 11am and thought, "Fuck Me, what now?" all week I had been telling everyone that I'd be fine, I'll have loads to do, but in reality, I thought that I'd be fucked for things to do after ten minutes and have to go sit in a cafe or the pub, so I went to the Tourist Information place and picked up some leaflets, then I walked down to the Bluebird Cafe and ordered a cup of tea (£1.45) I sat in the sun and read my leaflets which were encouraging me to spend my hard earned money on boat trips that looked shit.
One 'event' that I fancied trying was something called 'Jumping Jenny' there was a picture of a pretty lass below the words, I looked all over but couldn't find it, I guess that because we are only a week into tourist season then most of the attractions haven't started yet.
After my luke warm brew, I walked down a little track that takes you no - fucking - where, I turned around and found myself back at the Bluebird cafe (the track incidently, is the same one I took everyone on later when we all met up, it hadn't changed, I just wanted them to feel the same disappointment that I felt).
I thought I would walk back to town and think about what to do when on my way back I saw a sign pointing out the footpath to Torver, "I'll have a bit of that" I thought to myself and jumped over the little stye and set off across the fields eventually realising that I was heading towards Coniston Hall campsite, that's when I decided to just walk and walk through Torver woods and go as far as I dare before turning around to meet the others in town, I had a great walk, it was so peaceful and quiet and I kept sitting down on a rock (not the same rock each time I must add) to enjoy my surroundings, if I'd taken my sandwiches and a bottle of water then it would have been perfect.
I eventually got as far as I could and checked my watch, it was time to turn back and go to town, I managed to get to the Ship Inn a few minutes after they had closed so I had to walk to town for a drink (I was really thirsty by now), I got to the Black Bull [called Alan] and ordered a pint of coke with ice (£2.40) I sat outside and started drinking my coke, about 10 seconds later I had an empty glass so I went to the newsagents and got a paper, then went to the Yewdale for another pint of coke with ice and a slice (£2.80, a fucking rip off, especially when the lager is £2.70), I sat outside and started reading my paper when some ignorant bastard starts honking his car horn, I turn to glare at the fucker and see that it's Rob and everyone else, they've done the walk in about 3 hours, I was impressed.
I jumped in Pauls car and we went back to the Bluebird cafe where we watched a boat being launched, listened to some bloke with a dog collar go on about some fucker called Jesus who would save the rowers in a storm and he prayed and we ignored and they prayed some more and we ignored some more and they prayed harder and we ingored them harder, eventually getting bored with the tedium so I took them on the track that goes nowhere to show them what nowhere looks like.
After fish and chips we went to our digs, the Holly How Youth Hostel, we eventually got checked in after making the check-in as confusing as we possibly could, with some paying by card, others by cash, him paying for him, me paying for you, two having discount cards, the others having to pay a £3 supplimentary fee, write your name and address here and somewhere in the midst of the commotion I was entered into a free prize draw to win a car!
The room was fine and dandy and about as much as you'd expect really, we made our beds up, and I went for a shit, when I came back the room was locked and Matt was stood at the door looking rather peterbed, it turns out that Paul had locked the door and buggered off for a shower with a key (the second key being inside the room) so when Paul got back from his shower he found 6 tired people arguing over who had the bloody door key!
We hit town at about 6.30 pm, everyone was knackered and really wanted their beds, but it was way too early, so we went to the Yewdale, then to the Ship Inn (2.40 for a coke) and we watched Wipeout on the BBC, with everyone in the room joining in with the 'ooh's' and 'ahh's' and the laughter, when that finished and Robin had managed to insult a Ginger bloke in the room.
We went back to town in the pitch blackness and settled into the Crown where I stuck to coke and everyone else stuck to getting pissed, Paul got some darts from the bar and this caused mayhem, drunk people don't add up very well, Bradbury pressing buttons on the score machine doesn't help matters either but most of all, the biggest problem was that none of us can play darts! Apart from Matt's smashing double eleven, I think most games went down to double one and then a 'nearest to bull' contest, as the night wore on, everyone was getting more tired and ready for bed, Robin was getting nicely drunk and started a game of darts with Paul, having got bored of 301 and 501, Rob decided that the best way to get more excitement out of the game was to start playing 901, we managed to leave halfway through and the darts players decided that 901 was, in fact, a shit idea, and came with us too.
Back in the room we all had the usual giggles, the room was fucking dark, Paul claimed he's never been in a room so dark, I suggested to Trelly to 'turn the light on to see how dark it is' and to his credit, he actually turned the light on. Bless.
I managed to get a crap nights sleep, due to (1) being all fizzed up with Coke, (2) an inability to sleep that I've had for a week and (3) people snoring, most notably Paul who currently hold the world record for loudest snore at 872 decibels.
Morning came and as usual with leaving day it was a boring sombre affair, we went to Daisy's and I had the 8 items breakfast (no Black Pudding and no Fried Bread), that filled me up then we went back to the car and Mike drove us all home.

Notable mentions that I couldn't be arsed writing about -

1) My pants falling out of the bottom of my trousers.
2) Spacker woman who threatened to throw Vodka over Bradder if he chatted her up.
3) Matt spotting Ken Hom.
4) Trelly finding graffiti that he did 11 years ago.
5) The Alien space ship that I'm convinced was real aliens, there's no other explination.

Thank you for reading.

Woggzeh